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A sad decision

I have made a decision that makes me very sad but, is probably the right one for me for now.

I have decided not to run the half marathon in Penticton, BC on May 23rd. My reasoning for this may seem weird to you guys.

You know how on the “Biggest Loser” show, many of the contestants have deep seeded issues that have, over the years, affected theie weight and their ability to lose it? At first I thought it was all a crock! How could someone’s feelings keep them from LOSING weight? Gaining the weight I understand, as I am also an emotional eater. But for your emotions and where your head is at to hamper your efforts to lose? Bull!

Well, after many days of self-reflection and evaluation, I have decided that I believe in the notion that your emotions, where your head is at, can absolutely hamper your efforts. But, in my case, it is not really in my weight loss effort. It is in my running.

I used to LOVE to run. Could run 10km no problem. Was aiming for the Peach City half marathon. But since my dad passed, I can’t run. I try, and try but, once I get going, feel as if I am going to explode. I have one hell of an extreme amount of anger and hatred built up inside that I thought running would help to get out. But, when I start to run, I feel as if all the anger and hatred sucks right up into a huge hard ball inside and I am going to burst. My heart, my soul, my head. I can’t breathe, so I can’t run. I can’t even manage to run the 5km I used to run regularly. Before and as I am heading out, I feel like I can’t wait to get out there and go, just run. But, once that anger ball hits, I hate running with a passion and want nothing more than to quit.

I don’t understand this as my father and my running had nothing to do with each other. My running is how I worked out my grief of losing my mom last year. So what is wrong now? I do not want to quit running. Because right now as I write this, I still love running. But that lasts until about 2 mins into my run when my dad pops in my head and that exploding ball forms in my core, my whole self. I really don’t know what to do about this. I thought time would make it better but, it just seems to be getting worse.

So I made the sad decision, and it does make me want to cry, to not run the half. 😦

I am still thinking of heading there for a vacation though, to lay on the beaches and soak up some sun, just hubby and I. Maybe he can help to heal my broken heart if we are away from the stresses of the kids and dealing with my dad’s stuff. Right now, with my heart still so broken, I can’t even seem to show my own family any love. I have tried but, it just makes me more miserable to try. And a miserable mom, makes for a miserable family. They only times I feel even remotely happy now, is when I am at the gym getting the anger beat and kicked out of me. Then I can smile for awhile and feel like things will be okay.

I apologize for the emotional, depressing post but, sometimes we need to let it out. And it does really make me sad to have made that decision because I was so looking forward to it but, I think it is the right one for now.

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Categories: gym, random stuff, running
  1. May 3, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Wow, I’m sorry for your broken heart. I know there’s nothing I can say to make your anger dissipate, but I think you made the right decision. You have to let yourself heal inside first. You need to let your emotions become balanced once more so that you can go out there and run care-free, run with joy and love. So you’re not running the Half. That’s ok. You’re doing more than that. You’re healing and spending time with loved ones. I think one of the best things you can do is to tell the people who mean the most to you how much you care and love them.

    As far as the ball of hate filling you up, I think that will take time and you will have to be patient with yourself. It’s like physical recovery after a long run. We need that. We also need mental recovery too, so take the time you need to mentally recover, to settle your emotions. Then when you get back to running, it’ll once again be out of love.

  2. May 3, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    I guess you need to just work this out for yourself right now… did you used to run with your dad or did he have an investment in your running. Just wondering in case that might be part of it.

    Find something else for now. You have the weight training & you can do some cardio there too.

    Hang in there & work on you!

  3. May 3, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    {{{Hugs}}}

    Your hurt is just pouring through this post and it makes me so sad.
    Do what you need to do. Grief isn’t always rational, and who knows why you tie it to your running right now.

    There are other 1/2 marathons you can do when you have your feelings figured out.

  4. May 3, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    You need to work it out, and you will. I think taking the vacation would be a great idea, take some time to chill out, rest your mind, and go from there. When you are ready to get back into running, it’ll be there for you…in the meantime, you have all of us 🙂

  5. May 4, 2010 at 3:51 am

    xo xo.
    Im so sorry to read this post and yet simultaneously so THANKFUL you have a platform to vent it on and a place to receive support.

    We’re all here for you.

  6. May 4, 2010 at 5:43 am

    You know better than everyone where you are. You know what you need. It may be that some time on the beach to unwind will allow you to come to grips with all your emotions. After all, you haven’t just lost your father, you lost your mother just prior to that. That is a lot to deal with.

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