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Funny how life works

December 5, 2010 3 comments

It’s funny how that now I am away from my husband, on my own, my friends are finding their way back into my life. For many years, my friends slowly gravitated away from me and my life. Now that I am on my own, they seem to be coming back. And the funny thing is, they had no idea I had left my husband. One of my friends I haven’t talked to in 20 years and we have stumbled upon each other again the past couple of days. My best friend who moved away 8 years ago and we lost contact, ran across my daughter a couple of weeks ago and we are now back in contact. Another one has recently moved to the city here and contacted us yesterday to get together. She also had no idea about my separation.  It is good though cause I have outlets for my frustration and fear now. Good friends are the BEST! To me it goes to show that there is someone up there watching out for us and helping us when we need it the most.

My friend once said to me a statement she had heard somewhere: ‘You never know how strong you really are until you need to be”  That is so true for my life right now. For years I was afraid to leave, didn’t think I was strong enough to do it. But I proved myself wrong and I have seen how strong I really can be. And it is the best decision I have ever made in my life!

So nothing else to say for now. I am cooking dinner for my daughter and I and then will be heading of to the gym for a friends workout with my trainer (that means I don’t need to pay for it cause we are working out together). Oh, and by the way, I now live only about a mile from my gym so my daughter and I can rollerblade or bike there in the spring and summer. I love it and love the gas I am saving. LOL.

 

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Categories: Uncategorized

A new life

December 1, 2010 3 comments

Hello all my dear friends out there who have wondered where I have been.

Things have not been great for me. Actually my world kind of fell apart. In amongst my constant internal personal struggle  with the loss of my dad, my husband kicked my teenage daughter out of the family home and gave me the choice between her or him. If she stayed, he would leave. I had two other children to think about as well as how we would manage and survive without their father, without the income.

After-wards, my husband just wasn’t himself, it was like I was living with a stranger. I was getting absolutely no support from his end over the death of my father or any help in any way with trying to deal with his estate. Things really haven’t been good between my husband and I for many years now. And I just could not forgive him over making me choose between him and my daughter, the same daughter who had just got out of an abusive relationship and the head trauma that cost her her short term memory……….

In the end, last month my youngest daughter and I left my husband. We moved from the small town we lived in into the city. And I have to admit that I am terrified……..that I wont make it on my own, that I wont be able to support myself and my daughter. I have my part time job but I will need to find another, or a full time one that will be sure to cover all our costs. And the crazy thing about all of this is that all three of my children are in agreement that this was the best decision for me to have made. They have seen how I have been treated these years by my husband and feel that I need and deserve to be happy.

For now, I am still attending the gym as my health and fitness have become a major part of my life and something I absolutely need to continue with right now. I have a lot of anger, and hate and grief built up inside me and the gym is my escape, my source of stress relief. I still also have my fantastic personal trainer, who thinks I should enter next years figure competition. And, over the course of our training sessions since last April, my trainer and I have become very good friends and he is a major source of support and shoulder to cry on. I wont be able to afford him after a couple more weeks though if I don’t manage to find another job. And believe me, I have looked and looked and applied and applied, and nothing. I would absolutely miss our training sessions together which is our time together to talk and don’t believe we would be able to get together as friends after-wards as his wife is extremely jealous of me.

So my friends, that is where I have been, and what has been going on with me. I am planning to get back to here, where I have you friends and I can vent and get support. I hope you guys are still all hanging around. It’ll take me a heck of a long time to catch up with all of you but I’m getting started right away. Hope to hear from you guys.

 

Categories: Uncategorized

Dad

February 23, 2010 16 comments

Dad, I love you! And I miss you so much!

Last Wednesday, Feb 17 th, my heart and soul were ripped out of my body. My heart is in pieces which I believe will no longer be able to be pieced together. I feel as if my soul is dying.

I lost my dad…

While at work, his aorta burst, causing blood to flow where it didn’t belong, and cutting off the flow of blood to his brain. He then suffered a massive stroke.

The surgeons were able to repair his heart, a very successful surgery, one they said had a low survival rate, and he survived, but his brain continued to swell to the point of cutting off blood flow to the other side of his brain causing more strokes. He never recovered. And it killed me to have to let him go.

Because of my grief, I was unable to do my weekly update last week for the Perfect 10 challenge, and to be honest, I don’t think I will be doing one for this week either. Because right now, I don’t give a crap about my workouts or my eating. I am hurting to much to care about anything. I can’t believe I have any tears left to shed, but, they keep on coming. The grief I feel is unbearable and I would trade places with him in a heart beat if I could only bring him back. And what makes my tears worse is that I never knew how many people loved my dad, how much he meant to these people, his friends and coworkers. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. At least he wasn’t alone while away from his family.

I love you dad, and I miss you!

Categories: Uncategorized

Winter blues..

February 4, 2010 4 comments

This is how it is looking most mornings when I head out to work and most evenings lately. Gloomy and unhappy.

I am most definitely starting to get the winter blues. I absolutely hate winter. The being cooped up, the lack of light, the cold, and my claustrophobia causing winter gear. And the snow just never stops. This is the first year ever where I have had to keep my jeep in 4×4 mode just to get around.

With the winter blues comes my almost uncontrollable urge to eat whatever is in site. And over eat, and eat some more. Plus, the laziness sets in and it is like pulling teeth to get me up and exercising. I did decide to take a few days off of working out after the New Year 100 mile challenge, I just felt exhausted between the challenge, work and being sick. Now I feel the winter blues hitting and I don’t want to exercise, and I want chips, and ice cream and chocolate. I hate feeling like this, and the depression that will follow.

I had planned to run the St. Patrick’s day 5 k but, I hate the cold and snow so much that I couldn’t stand the thought of running in it. So I will wait till the snow is gone and find some races then.

Where oh where is spring?

Categories: Uncategorized

Learning to fly…

January 23, 2010 13 comments

Yesterday morning, while still not feeling great, I once again woke up to a house that looks like a tornado had hit it. I swear that once my kids turned into teens, they forgot what a garbage can it, what a hamper is, where dirty dishes belong, how to wash a dish, that not every article of clothing in their room is dirty just because it touched the floor, how to feed the pets, and to keep the t.v remotes on the table, ect.. Most of you get the drift. I burst into tears when I had to wash a spoon once again just to stir my coffee. With 5 of us in a one floor 1040 sq ft. house, there is clutter everywhere.

So in desperation, I turned to Flylady!!

I needed help to get control of my home again and of myself. It was to the point I was dreading coming home from work ( and my work isn’t a place you want to spend extra time!). Flylady is a get control of your life one babystep at a time lady and team who help you to start regaining control of your surroundings in only a few minutes each day. I feel better and more in control after only a day and a half of her help. I encourage any of you who feel overwhelmed with your cluttered home to check out her site and give it a try. Slowly, day by day, I will get my home back in shape and CLEAN!

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I am feeling so much better today and looking forward, forward to my running workout today. I need to kick ass this next week if I want to finish my 100 mile challenge.

I have decided to start out with my weight training again with the few weights that I do have in the house since it has been many months since I have lifted any. I tried to persuade my son and hubby to bring my others in from the garage but, they claim they are all over the place (they apparently needed the box they were in) and may not all be there anymore. My hubby suggested I go out and buy a new set that goes up to higher weights than I had in the garage anyways. So I guess that is what I will do when I head into the city on Monday. I am anxious to get started on them.

Any good places to pick up some weight sets? Good deals? Does anyone own some of those weights where you can dial the weight you want? And what are they like?

Categories: Uncategorized

Week 3 challenge updates.

January 22, 2010 8 comments

Week 3 Perfect 10 Challenge Update

  1. Lose 8-10 lbs. (starting weight 156 lbs)–unfortunately I am back up to 156.1. I believe it is from all the birthday celebration treats and eating out this week. I am also sick and can only stomach a few crackers ( which is total weight gain foods for me unfortunately). Will up my water intake once my nausea and vomiting have stopped enough to stomach the water.
  2. run 5 kms or more at least 2 times per week–done 3 times this week.
  3. finish 5 weeks of the Gateway to 8 k program. (the program is 10 weeks but, I know I will need to repeat some weeks so 5 weeks is sufficient and it will correspond with #2)–did not work on week 3 this week. will work on it for the next week.
  4. get started on a weight training routine. I am thinking of starting again with NROLW.–not yet. bring my weights in, darn it!!

As for something about myself you don’t know:

I have severe claustrophobia.  😦  To the point where I can’t even have the bathroom door closed when I am in there. It is a good thing that my children are old enough now to choose NOT to see their mother in her natural state and stays away from that end of the house when I am in there! 😳 And I get extreme vertigo when I need to close the shower doors when having a shower. Very risky business to have a shower! If our bedroom door needs to be closed (our room is off of the living room), then I need the bedroom window open so I can feel the draft or the cold to know that I am not trapped. Not good for the heating bill in the winter. Winter gear is a big problem also. All the bulk and bundle sets off my claustrophobic attacks so, I don’t even own a winter coat. I spend a lot of time indoors during the winter months because of this. Being in a car is a problem when the windows are closed. Things like that. I do know exactly when my claustrophobia first hit me but, I don’t understand why or why it has stuck with me since.

I was 13 years old sleeping on the top bunk in my grandparents motor home when camping one summer. I always slept on the top bunk, would never let my sister have a turn. My grandmother came to me and gave me the news that my great grandmother on my fathers side whom I loved with ALL my heart, had had a heart attack and passed away. I was on the top bunk at the time and instantly I couldn’t breathe. Since that moment, claustrophobia has been a major player in my life.

New Year 100 mile Challenge

my current miles for the month are 59.95 miles. I still have a ways to go. I am unfortunately sick with something today (vomiting and migraines) so that has hampered my progress. Two days of sick leave from work will hopefully get me back in shape to get back to my running!

I am very much looking forward to spending the day reading up on your Perfect 10 progress and learning more about all of you guys. I am having a sick day from work today  so I have plenty of time to catch up.

Categories: Uncategorized

Chugging along.

January 4, 2010 2 comments

Lately I seem to have some writers block. Either that or my life has gotten boring. I just don’t seem to have any ideas about what to write about here. Things have settled down since Christmas and my days are again the same old, same old. I am just chugging along in the perfect 10 challenge and waiting until Fridays, update days, to weigh myself. It is mega torture to stay away from the scale.

For the New Year 100 mile challenge, I have so far done just over 18 miles. Whoo, tough! Tomorrow I think will be break day.

Hey Steve(265andfalling), my dad amazinly found me a copy of Super Mario Bros. Wii and it’s on it’s way here. I am excited to play it but, figure I’ll be duking it out with my kids when they’ve bumped me off of some block one to many times! LOL 🙂

Categories: Uncategorized